65 jokes that will make you smile
65 jokes that will make you smile.
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
- We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
- A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!
- I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
- Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
- Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
- Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!
- My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.
- I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
- When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
- Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren’t that hungry after all?
- Two cows are standing in a field and one cow says to the other: “What do you think about that mad cow disease?”, the other cow responds: “What do I care “I’m a helicopter”
- Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero? He’s 0K now!
- A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and asks to buy some flip-flips.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!
- Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
- Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
- Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
- If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
- After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
- I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
- A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
- My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
- Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
- In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
- A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
- My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my
advantage. I take that as a compliment.
- One time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, “Here’s a picture
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
- I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
- The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
- I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. It was a raw tomato.
- I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.
- Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
- I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
- A Mexican magician tells his audience, “I will disappear on the count of three.” He counts down.. “Uno… dos…” And then he disappears, without a tres.
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but, by the end, I liked it.
- What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
- Why don’t seagulls fly in the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.
- Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
- Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.
- I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
- Why is milk so fast? Because it’s pasteurized before you’ve seen it.
- They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, well they ain’t laughing now.
- I once shot a lion in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas I’ll never know.
- Why should you always wear two pairs of pants when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.